NHS Vows to Tackle Antisemitism by Hiring Fewer Jews
“It's hard to discriminate if there’s no one left to discriminate against,” says Diversity Tsar.
LONDON: In a bold step toward eliminating antisemitism from Britain’s beloved health service, the NHS has announced a pioneering new policy: hiring significantly fewer Jews.
The move comes after a shocking report revealed that antisemitism is now “normalised” within NHS institutions — a finding which deeply unsettled officials, because it generated bad headlines. In response, the NHS has pledged to root out the problem using the time-tested strategy of quietly removing the affected group.
“We take racism very seriously,” said an NHS spokesperson. “Which is why we’re addressing this issue at its source: by ensuring that British Jews no longer feel uncomfortable… because they’ll no longer be here.”
The plan, part of a wider initiative titled Inclusive Britain: Except That Bit, will also include mandatory unconscious philo-Semitism training and the appointment of an Antisemitism Lead who once had a stopover in Jerusalem en route to Mecca.
“Discrimination against Jews in NHS settings is unacceptable,” said one senior Trust manager. “But so is failing to consider the lived experience of staff who find Jews emotionally triggering.”
The report cited multiple instances of Jewish staff being blamed for Israeli government policy, facing hostility from colleagues, and experiencing life-altering abuse. In one case, a Jewish doctor was asked to apologise for the IDF during a routine check-up.
“I’m just here to check blood pressure,” said Dr Cohen, a senior NHS physician. “But somehow I end up having to explain geopolitics before I’ve even finished the patient intake form.”
To mark the launch of its new approach, the NHS is also trialling a “Judaism Neutral” uniform policy in select hospitals, prohibiting kippahs.
A pilot scheme in Bristol showed early promise. “We had no antisemitism complaints this month,” said the hospital’s Head of Equity. “Of course, that might be because we told the last Jewish doctor to consider a career in tech.”
Hard to distinguish from satire.