London to Be Walled Off from Common Sense
New “Ideological Safety Perimeter” to defend capital from exposure to working-class opinions and biological reality.
LONDON: The government has approved emergency measures to construct a containment wall around Greater London to protect the capital from “potentially harmful levels of sanity.”
A statement from the Cabinet Office described the move as a “last-resort safeguarding measure” designed to shield London’s intellectual ecosystem from “toxic levels of pragmatism, biological facts, and regional scepticism.”
“London is a delicate moral biome,” said a government spokesperson. “Even brief exposure to common sense can destabilise the whole thing. We’re talking total narrative collapse.”
Phase One: Fortify the M25
The M25 will be converted into a defensive trench filled with ethically sourced oat milk and ring-fenced by community-funded shrines to intersectionality. The aim, according to planners, is to “create a safe barrier between progressive thought and the surrounding labouring classes.”
The outer perimeter will be lined with posters reminding passers-by that “lived experience outranks evidence” and that “economic productivity is a form of violence.”
Entry points to London will be fitted with biometric scanners programmed to detect:
strong opinions about immigration delivered in a regional accent
ownership of a diesel van
a fondness for the phrase “just get on with it”
Travellers may also be required to recite three approved gender identities and explain, without hesitation, why JK Rowling is problematic. Those expressing confusion will be redirected to The Rest Is Politics podcast.
Cultural Impact
A mayoral task force has welcomed the plan, calling it “a necessary buffer against microaggressions, farmers, and eye-rolling from Essex.”
The wall is expected to provide a safe environment for London’s at-risk populations, including performance poets, intersectional baristas, and people who still think satire is a form of harm.
“This city is a sanctuary,” said one activist, “for feeling-based policymaking and experimental mime theatre about land ownership.”
National Response
Reaction outside the capital has been broadly supportive, with a majority of Britons agreeing that London should be allowed to “do its own thing — in private — and leave the rest of us alone.”
However, one Lincolnshire MP said the plan didn’t go far enough:
“A wall’s a start,” he said. “But what we need is a 100% secure dome blocking out Wi-Fi, radio signals, and any other means of contamination. That way, Londoners can carry on performing their gender while the rest of us fix the boilers and pay the bills.”
Further Measures Under Review:
Brighton to be granted a direct underground rail link to London
Glastonbury to be relocated to Hyde Park
International travel in and out of the city to be limited to America’s east and west coasts, the EU, and Palestine
A Downing Street official stressed:
“This isn’t about cutting London off from the rest of Britain. We’re simply giving the capital the ideological support bubble it clearly needs — especially now that Reform UK and Brexity types are gaining traction among the people who keep this country running.”