Guardian Journalist to Have Last Vestige of Humour Surgically Removed
Columnist to become first fully humourless lifeform outside academia.
LONDON: Environmental campaigner and Guardian columnist George Monbiot is to undergo pioneering surgery to remove the final microscopic trace of humour from his system, in what scientists are calling a “landmark moment in cranial sanctimony.”
The operation, scheduled for next Thursday at The Royal London Hospital, will be conducted by a team of progressive bioethicists using a new form of satire-resistant keyhole surgery. Once complete, Monbiot is expected to become the first known human capable of detecting dangerous irony at the molecular level — a feat previously thought possible only in critical theory departments.
The procedure follows Monbiot’s widely circulated warning that jokes — especially those made by right-wing columnists, stand-up comics, or anyone who's ever appeared on GB News — are functioning as ideological cluster bombs.
"It’s about public safety. Irony is a gateway trope. One moment you’re making a joke about Brighton, the next you’re designing memes with frogs in them. It’s how fascism starts."
According to his recent column, humour is no longer a laughing matter. In the hands of Rod Liddle, Jeremy Clarkson, or anyone who has ever said “calm down dear,” it becomes a tactical weapon of mass distraction — allowing “common sense ideas to seep into the range of the possible.”
Once the surgery is complete, Monbiot will return to Guardian offices to continue writing 4,000-word op-eds warning that the true danger to modern society is people taking things lightly. Editors say they are already preparing next week’s headline: “Satire Is Literally Violence (And Here's the Science).”
Classic, well done.
Monbiot is a tool.