Farage to Clone Himself and Run in Every Constituency
Labour calls the move “a desperate gimmick” but also "a very real danger".
Kent: Nigel Farage has announced plans to genetically replicate himself 650 times, placing one version in each parliamentary seat to “save the nation from both Labour and reality.”
Speaking at a Reform UK press event (held inside a disused pub car park), Farage was evasive about the details. However, the plan is rumoured to be funded by Elon Musk, with the technology designed by the cryogenically preserved brain of Paul Daniels.
“I’ve always said we need to take our country back,” he declared. “Now I just need to be in all the places we left it.”
Each Clone Specialised for Regional Deployment
According to campaign officials, each Farage unit will be lightly customised for local demographics:
Scotland will receive Nigel MacFarage, who will attempt to appeal to nationalists by shouting “freedom!” while selling Union Flag cufflinks.
Liverpool will be assigned Farage Beta, a prototype that apologises every 90 seconds and bursts into tears near any statue.
Brighton will get a solar-powered Farage who identifies as “Nigel-curious” but still wants the bins emptied on time.
Each clone will be trained to recognise potholes, avoid vegan cafés, and explain “what’s gone wrong with the country” using only hand gestures and historical references from before 2016.
Opposition Parties Express “Serious Concern and Mild Awe”
Labour called the move “a desperate gimmick” and “extremely dangerous,” while admitting the idea of actually being visible in every seat was “not something we’d considered.”
The Conservatives, meanwhile, have hired a behavioural psychologist to assess whether a nation surrounded by Farages could be legally classified as a humanitarian crisis.
“At a certain point, it stops being populism and becomes a distributed personality disorder,” said one Tory strategist. “We’re just not sure if it’s politics or performance art — but we’re definitely concerned.”
Clones to Debate Each Other on GB News
In an effort to boost visibility, Farage has confirmed that the clones will tour the country in Ford Mondeos, arguing with themselves in market squares until someone offers them a pint.
Early polling suggests support is strongest among voters who describe themselves as “fed up to the back teeth” and people whose political compass has spun out of control since 1997.
“It’s not about ego,” said Farage Alpha. “It’s about being everywhere at once and loudly agreeing with myself.”
UPDATE:
The Electoral Commission is investigating whether 650 Farages constitute a political party, a cult, or a breach of the Geneva Convention. A full report is expected once the karaoke trials conclude.