Britain Asks Japanese Ambassador to Form New Government
After mastering the pint challenge and showing basic human warmth, Hiroshi Suzuki is declared “more British than the British.”
LONDON: In a rare moment of national unity, the British public has issued a formal request to Japanese ambassador Hiroshi Suzuki to take over the running of the country.
The motion — proposed in a Wetherspoons in Stoke and seconded by 94,000 comments under a GB News tweet — was passed unanimously by the Council of People Who Still Care. Suzuki, currently Japan’s ambassador to the UK, has reportedly asked for “a few days to think about it and maybe one more tour of a vinegar factory.”
The decision follows a series of increasingly wholesome stunts from Suzuki, who has quietly become the most competent and emotionally stable man in British public life. His record includes:
– Queuing instinctively, even when there’s no need
– Watching Only Fools and Horses without social commentary
– Refusing to take the last biscuit out of politeness, even when alone
– Finishing every pub meal by quietly stacking the plates for the staff
– Apologising when someone else bumped into him
In his latest social media appearance, Suzuki sipped a lukewarm cuppa on a drizzly bench, gave a knowing nod to a passing Labrador, and was immediately declared “fit to govern” by the Office for National Competence (a role previously held by nobody).
Asked whether he even wanted the job, Suzuki remained diplomatic. “It’s not my place to lead your nation,” he said modestly, “but I would be honoured to help you remember what you once loved about it.”
A moment later, he complimented the Antiques Roadshow, waved a modest Union Jack, and proposed replacing Parliament with a nationwide WhatsApp group about the weather. Half the country wept.
Meanwhile, Downing Street sources report that Keir Starmer has attempted to emulate Suzuki’s popularity by holding a press conference in a Northern pub. It was immediately cancelled when he asked the bartender for a “half-ale spritz” before talking about pregnant people.
Nigel Farage has issued a formal statement saying he is “not jealous” and just wants to know whether Suzuki supports Brexit. Suzuki responded by nodding solemnly at a war memorial and helping an elderly woman carry her shopping without mentioning it online.
Supporters have already begun referring to Suzuki as “the Last British Man,” a title previously held by a retired Air Commodore from Wiltshire who once saluted a pigeon out of habit.
As of this morning, polling suggests Suzuki now leads in every constituency in the UK — including those where he hasn’t campaigned, doesn’t speak the language, or isn't legally eligible to stand.
In unrelated news, the King’s fountain pen has been appointed to the Cabinet.