Britain Accidentally Outsources Immigration Policy to Kurdish Gang
Kurdish smugglers granted “Trusted Logistical Provider” status under new framework.
WESTMINSTER: In a surprise development this week, the British government has formally acknowledged that its small boats policy is now being “co-designed” by a Kurdish organised crime syndicate operating out of a semi-detached house in Preston.
A spokesperson for the Home Office confirmed the partnership, saying it “reflects a new spirit of pragmatic cooperation with those actually running the border.”
“They seem to know what they’re doing,” the spokesperson said. “Frankly, it’s the most efficient delivery we've seen in years.”
Under the new framework, Kurdish smugglers will be granted “Trusted Logistical Provider” status, in return for promising to include a diversity statement in all Telegram recruitment posts.
“Smash the gangs,” says PM, gently massaging their shoulders
The scheme follows the arrest of Nawzad Farook al-Logistiqi, a self-described “people flow consultant” whose multinational ferrying enterprise helped over 40,000 clients cross the Channel using inflatable dinghies, crypto payments, and Facebook Live.
Though al-Logistiqi is currently serving 3 years for smuggling, his arrest has done little to slow down boat traffic, with one Home Office insider describing the gangs as “more agile than Pret A Manger during the pandemic.”
“It’s like Whac-A-Mole,” said one NCA official. “Except the moles have speedboats, encrypted comms, and a five-star Trustpilot rating.”
“We’re just meeting demand,” insists cartel wearing high-vis
In a press conference held outside Dunkirk, one Kurdish gang spokesman explained:
“We provide flexible travel solutions, economic opportunity, and a thriving gig economy for disenfranchised young men. Unlike Ryanair, we don’t charge for luggage.”
When asked about overcrowding, the spokesman said that “sustainability is a core concern” and promised to include a composting toilet on next year’s upgraded boats.
British government denies subcontracting enforcement to same smugglers
Asked whether recent migrants had been turned around or simply redirected to a new Kurdish-owned drop point, a senior Home Office advisor said:
“Look, it’s complicated. There are a lot of moving parts. Mostly dinghies.”
In related news, British-trained sniffer dogs have reportedly unionised after being deployed to the Turkey-Bulgaria border to detect inflatable boats by smell.
“We were promised drugs,” said one beagle. “This is beneath us.”
UPDATE: Keir Starmer has promised to “smash the gangs,” “dismantle the networks,” and “deliver real change,” while quietly signing a memorandum of understanding with Scorpion Ltd, the French-facing logistics arm of the Kurdish resistance.
Boats are expected to continue arriving “for the foreseeable future,” according to a polite disclaimer recently added to the gov.uk homepage.